The Black Bag

For far too long I had a bag of unresolved emotional thoughts and feelings. It wasn’t a large backpack that the world could see but rather like a heavy, black draw-string bag in my head. A bag that I could ignore, and that no one else would notice. But it was still there.

And it effected how the rest of me functioned.

This week I have been working on it.

Not to get rid of it.

As most of it’s contents are the type that doesn’t go away.

But to deal with it.

Sort through it.
Kind of like I reached a hand inside of my head and brought that heavy bag out, untied the large knot, and then slowly opened it up -scared about what I would find inside- and then started to sift through its contents.

Of course I knew roughly what it contained.

I was the one who had stuffed everything in it.

Shoving as much as I could into it before quickly drawing it closed and tying the knot -all that time ago.

But because some of it I had tried so very hard to hide from even myself, I know that the bag may hold some nasty surprises.

There are a lot of ugly things in that bag.

Very ugly.

Truths about myself.

Truths about what I am really like.

Truths that because of what I did (because of who I am) has caused such horrible things to happen.

That is another ugly thing that is inside this bag:

Guilt.

It actually fills up a lot of the bag.

Horrible guilt of things I did but also of things that I didn’t do. Things I should have done.

As I sort through the bag I try to look at each object straight on. Staring at each facet of the objects so that I can do away with the lies.

So many lies.

The lies had for the longest time hidden some of the darker contents of the bag so that they looked prettier and much more acceptable (at least from a distance). But once you get up close to them and turn them over, the lies are not only very ugly but have a corrosive aspect to them.

Once I found them, their stench made me reel back from the bag, I didn’t want to deal with them. I had to put the bag down for a moment and gasp for some fresh air. But I went back with even stronger resolve. I was determined to go through that bag.

This bag has been sitting there for far too long.

There are still some dark corners of the bag that I haven’t gone through. In some ways I don’t think I am ready for it yet.

But now the bag doesn’t seem as scary to me now that I have opened it, looked inside and started to sort through it.

I was relieved to be able to throw some stuff out.

Some of it was difficult and very painful to pry loose and which I was eager to throw out once I had extracted it, but some I had to force myself to throw out as I knew that they didn't truly belong in the bag even though I wanted them to be there.

I was especially glad to get rid of some of the lies.

I still think there are some lies I didn't find, but I am glad that I did deal with the ones that I did find. Some of the ones that I did work through did leave some small messy residual aspects of themselves behind, but over time I am sure I can get rid of those as well.

By getting rid of some of the lies, it allowed me to have a better look at all the guilt. Some of them were a lot bigger and uglier than what I had anticipated, but at least I have a better idea of how they looked like.

It also forced me to look at myself with a little more honesty. So now I have some things I can work on even after I closed up the bag again.

It was a horrible task. But it was good that I did it.

Now the bag is a little bit lighter, and will hopefully be a little easier to open the next time I want to look inside.

And hopefully I am a better person for it.