I Love My Role

The other day someone mentioned how relieved they are that they live in this time period rather then in the past where women were stuck in their roles as homemakers.

But as Anna so eloquently puts in her beautiful blog posts - a woman’s role is a beautiful thing!

If both husband and wife look at their roles with the right attitude, it stops becoming a burden and becomes a beautiful partnership.

I still struggle to look positively at the endless cleaning, the fussy folding and the troublesome organizing, but I love my role. There are parts of it that I am guilty of allowing to let slide as I struggle along, but there are others that give me so much joy.

There is nothing as satisfying as being in a clean house with a lovely dinner on the table, and a happy husband and son smiling at me. That is a good reward!

I wouldn’t trade my role for anything!

Deliberate Lies

Someone just told me how her son's kindergarten teacher requested that children not inform other children that Santa is not real.

I am fine with the fact that the teacher requested that. The children should not learn from another child that their parents deliberately lied to them. Their parents should break it to them. They chose to lie they need to take responsibility for it. As you can tell, I struggle to understand why parents would do that to their children.

I don't understand how the short term happiness justifies it. What about that day of reckoning in a few short years? The moment when the child comes crying to his mother and asks for reassurance that Santa is real, and then the cynicism later of how they “always” knew that he had not been real, but with the knowledge that they had been lied too. Who likes knowing that something they had thought was real had been a delusion?

Saint Nicholas died in 347 AD, he is not going to be trying to climb down anyones chimney. Once the children realize that their parents lied to them the discovery is sometimes very hurtful and distressing. I know someone who remembers that moment with vivid clarity- more then they remember the times that they sat on Santa's knee.

Parenting sometimes involves some unplanned hypocrisy, but we try to avoid them as much as possible. So it is strange that so many parents deliberately participate in this tradition.

It is also pretty strange to me that non-catholic parents would even mention him to their children. Why don't they teach them about other Catholic saints too? Oh, wait St Patrick.. OK besides him..

Another thing that I find a bit disconcerting is how Saint Nicholas takes on many of God's roles.

This song is a great example:

You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list

And checking it twice;

Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good..

He knows when you have been good or bad?!? Umm.. that, I thought, was only applicable to God and to his son Jesus Christ! Every time I hear this song in grocery stores I cringe at how blasphemous it is.

Before parents choose to tell their children about a jolly old Saint Nick, they should be responsible about their decision and do the research first, think about it and then decide.

Don't do it just because it is nice now. Forget the media. These are your children that you are trying to raise. Precious gifts from the God who watches over them as they sleep and while they are awake, who knows whether you have lied or whether you chose to tell your children the truth.

Scared to Talk

Honestly, there are some people out there who I care about a lot but who make me feel intimidated of ever saying anything beyond the banal everyday sort of things.

They are so sensitive and volatile that I have had conversations that I have planned out carefully for days blow up in my face.

Then they have the audacity to say that they would prefer people to talk to them personally if we want to address an issue or want to talk about something more intimate that is going on in their lives.

I would rather go into a cage full of tigers.

Seriously.

At least then it will only be me who gets hurt.

Because that is the other side of the issue. Yes, there is an element of self preservation here. I do not like being in what seems to inevitably turn into a drama.

But there is also the part where I don’t want to hurt anyone by my bumbling around in an effort to be tactful.

Yes, I would like to approach them and talk to the person on a one on one manner, but is it worth it?

After I think about it and remember the past, I usually decide no.

Yes, ideally it would be best. Christ tells us that it is best to talk to your brother.

But it is so much easier and the end (immediate) result is so much better if I find out through someone else.

So yes, my relationship with that person doesn’t improve, but then again it doesn’t become any worse either.

Contentment

We often tell children that they have no idea how fortunate they are. They are given food and toys, and don’t have to do anything except play all day.

But I would never want to be a child again.

Even though the responsibilities of being a wife and a mother weigh heavy on me at times, I wouldn’t want to trade it away for the carefree days of childhood.

I don’t like folding laundry, cleaning the shower, and the endless repetitive cycle of cooking and cleaning in the kitchen. But I love my husband, I love my child, I love knowing who I am and knowing what my goals are in life.

I was happy with my life as a child, I enjoyed being a teenager, but I am content being an adult. Hopefully I will be at peace when I grow old.

It is only now, that I am finally able to fully appreciate that “godliness with contentment is great gain.” (1 Timothy 6:6)

Little Things Sometimes Seem Too Big!

Parenting is filled with so many awful decisions. The consequences of our decisions regarding the little ones in our care feels almost overwhelming if one begins to contemplate for too long all the possible repercussions.

Discipline, nutrition, immunization, education and socialization are a couple areas that I have been having to make some decisions about recently.

When to discipline and when to let something slide. That fine balance between raising a brat or a child that is surrounded by the word “no” so that the word looses it’s impact.

Nutrition is a big worry for me as I look at how skinny my active little boy is. I can feel every rib in his chest! Now that he is teething he is eating even less! What to give him that he can eat that won’t hurt his sore, bleeding gums but is packed full of healthy fat and carbohydrates?

To get the flu shot or not to get the flu shot. I have decided after doing some research, not to get either the seasonal flu shot or the H1N1 shot. But what if my son gets the flu?

All these worries and concerns! But then, I take a deep breath, and pray about it all. Suddenly all these little things of life go back to being little, and I start focusing on the big things.

How can I nurture love and respect for his God in my little son? How can I make more time for Bible study in my life?

God will look after us. I just need to put my trust in him.

What does it matter if Asaph can swim? Will it get him into the kingdom?

Trying and Failing 16 Times

I am currently reading a series of books written about two jewish boys growing up in New York shortly after the second world war.

The book has a ring of authenticity to it that only someone who had experienced the trials the boys went through (or at least something very similar) could have written with such insight.

The other day at the doctor’s office the nurse asked me how long we had tried before I got pregnant with my son. Even though I could tell her exactly how long we had tried I gave her the general time frame of a year. Oh, only a year she replied.

I felt a little spark of something akin to anger. Well it was actually longer than a year. More like 16 months. I didn’t say this out-loud but I thought it in my head. And I knew that she had never tried to have a child.

Never tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed.. 16 times.

Never endured the false hopes. The joyous expectations when all the signs seemed to point to finally being successful! This time I was most certainly pregnant! ..to be cruelly crushed when the first pangs of menstruation began.

I had wanted a child for so long. But in the first year of marriage my husband became very sick. So sick he barely made it through. Then it took a long time for him to heal.. and now, now finally we could think about having children. But none came. And none came. And none came.

And then we had ourselves tested and I found out it was my fault. There was something wrong with me. That is why I could not have children. It was my fault. It was almost easier before when I thought that maybe the illness had effected my husband.. but now I knew. It was me.

Many people have had it a lot worse off than I have. A lot worse.

But only those who have gone through it can have any idea how it is really like.

Now I can truly empathize with people like Abraham’s wife Sarah. So many years of her hopes being raised and crushed each month.. until she became beyond childbearing age.

With that perspective then yes, trying and failing 16 times seems like nothing compared to her something like 300 times of trying. Imagine trying anything 300 times only to fail 300 times. Even my mind can not comprehend how she must have felt. Knowing that it was her body that was faulty. That is was because of her that her husband didn’t have a son and heir. That it was because of her that she didn’t have a baby to hold and to love and to cherish. But she knew that God was in control. He opens and closes the womb.

And finally he opened Sarah’s.

And now, after having my son, a year goes by so quickly! Each month slips by like pearls off a necklace.. so fast that I feel like I only get a fleeting glimpse before it is gone.

We are trying again for another baby.. so time slows down for 15 days out of the month. But I try not to think about it too much. We have tried and failed already a number of times this time round. But I keep my trust in my God. If he wants a sibling for my son he will give it. The Lord gives and he takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

So yes, it was only a year, but don’t underestimate someone’s trial, unless you have gone through a similar experience.

Re: Previouse Post

hmm.. after reading the article again I realized that I remembered it incorrectly.

The article does say that: “Model a good relationship with your faith and how you live in your faith community (be that your church or your co-op food depot) and trust that children will be influenced by your good example..”

But then ends that paragraph with:

“..even if that means they don't want to come to church or synagogue, mosque or temple for a few years.”

The article's main thrust was that religion relies on fear tactics and that if you have a strong value in the family it tends to polarize the children.

So, like the serpent, the argument has just enough truth in it to sound plausible but then mixes in a lot of error.

I don’t have time to write about that right now... have to make lunch for my husband who is going to be here soon.

Faith is NOT like Sports

A while back a fellow blogger posted an article which had the underlying message that if you force your religion on your children then they will rebel and reject it. The author of the article equated a religious family to a super sporty family where there is always at least one child who doesn’t want to have anything to do with sports.

I don’t think the blogger agreed with the article but the arguments in the article were persuasive!

That is because, like the serpent in the garden of Eden, the whole basis of the argument was wrong.

First of all, our faith is not like sports. I would equate it more to brushing teeth. Children go through a stage where they don’t want to take baths and don’t want to brush their teeth. But mothers don’t just let their children not practice basic hygiene in the hopes that they will figure it out by themselves. Their children will not thank them later when their mouths are full of cavities!

The same is with our faith. Our children will go through stages where they will maybe not want to do the Bible readings or assert a rebellious spirit about going to Bible class. But this is not about learning how to kick a ball the right way so that they can score a goal, this is about how to live their lives so that they can serve God in his Kingdom- it is more a matter of life or death.

These were some of the reasons I gave in my response in that blog to the article. But I felt like there was a certain aspect that I was missing. My answer didn’t seem complete.

Then today I read a different blog and I realized what it was:

Attitude.

The blog gave (tongue in cheek of course) three easy steps in how you can make your child reject what is the most important things in your life:
Step 1. Make sure your kids know that whatever you care about is so much more important to you than they are.
Step 2. Be grumpy, irritable, and generally joyless.
Step 3. Put lots of pressure on your kids to follow in your footsteps without ever making your beliefs relevant in their lives.

If we inadvertently reinforce in our children’s minds that they are a burden to us as we try to do God’s work, that doing God’s work is stressful and that they should follow God’s word because “mother says so” then they will not understand why they need to make it important in their lives.

Children can be a help and should be part of the work done for God’s house. They will see the times of stress but will also remember the times of happiness and joyful fellowship around God’s word. When they see your eyes light up, then theirs will too. If their questions are answered with Bible in hand, and a prayer together when needed, they will understand why it is such a blessing to have a close relationship with their God.

You can’t equate this to sports.

This is something beautiful, precious that will help them throughout their lives. Directing their paths, soothing their hearts and giving them hope.

By instilling this in their hearts as a child, they will always cherish it.

Siblings Sharing Space

There are so much incorrect information in this world especially about children, and especially laws concerning children.

In a previous blog I mentioned how it is not against the law for me to take pictures of my son without his clothes on. The reason I know this is because someone had told me that when he turns 9 months old it is against the law for me to take pictures of him in the buff.

So I looked it up.

And no it isn’t.

BUT, as I mentioned in that posting, I have to be careful where I post those photos. As, even though it is not against the law (as long as they are taken with the right attitude and in the right context), I must be careful about my son.

Then I was told that if I have another child of the opposite sex or I have more than two children we will need to move into a thee bedroom apartment/house.

So I looked it up.

And no I don’t.

Some apartments do have their own rules about same sex siblings sharing a room (separate rooms after one of them turns 5 years old), and if any of the children are part of the foster care system then there are different rules.

But as long as the children are happy and healthy parents don’t have to worry about Child Protective Services if their children share a room.

I shared a room with my three siblings (one of which is a boy), until we hit puberty and we loved it! I have many fond memories of playing with our stuffed animals together, building with Legos together, and constructing elaborate forts together.

It also taught us many valuable life lessons about sharing and cooperation. This became an invaluable asset when some of us lived together in the same house along with our spouses for a couple years (I am planning to blog about that at some point - our experience with communal living - working together and respecting each others’ space).

If the children want some privacy, there are many easy things one can do to fulfill their need of having their own space. Here are some ideas.

We plan to be out of our apartment before God hopefully blesses us with three children (hoping for four!). Not only because it would make our apartment feel a little too crowded but also because I think it is valuable for children to have a garden to run around and play in.

I am still undecided about how long my children will share rooms but mostly because it will depend on the children. I don’t think they need everything they want but do want to give them what they need.

Maybe I will have four boys, and then I won’t even have to worry about it.

Rise, Shine and...

I just saw a sidebar Ebay add that disappointed me a little bit.

When it started out I didn’t know it was an Ebay add as it just showed clouds and then a sun appearing with the words: “rise, shine..” and instantly the rest of the song came into mind: “and give God the glory!” but no, the next words that appeared were “and make it mine.”

The contrast was rather stark.

The last words that stayed on the screen were “Make it a perfect day with the perfect deal.”

But it was the contrast between the thought of giving glory to our God who deserves our praise, to that of feeding the materialistic, greedy little monster inside all of us that really jolted me out of thinking about reading my emails and started me thinking on a higher plane that ended with self examination.

When we rise and shine God should be first in our thoughts.

When we praise him and do his work that should make it a perfect day.

When I thought back on my morning so far I realized that first thought when I awoke was: “just a few more minutes of sleep, please!” as my son made it known that his morning had started.

After dragging myself out of bed and pottering around the house my thoughts have been filled with things I am planning to do today and tomorrow..

..and not a single thought of praise to my God.

Thank you Ebay for making me re-evaluate my morning and start thinking about my God!

Thank you God for reminding me about you.

Don't Question God

I sometimes wish that life changing events... didn’t permanently change one’s life.

I am not talking about the good changes like when one decides to dedicate one’s life to God, or to get married or to have children..

No, it’s the unplanned, horrible ones - the ones that I wish never happened.

The ones where I would do almost anything to go back in time to stop it from ever occouring. To go back and change the past in order to make the present better or simply easier and less complicated.

But, God is wise.

He decided to make things happen the way they do.

There is no profit in questioning his wisdom.

Mown Grass

Driving down the freeway I noticed that they were cutting the grass along the verge and in the median strip. Big clouds of dust billowed behind the heavy machinery.

Even though I suffer terribly with grass allergies I was a little sad to see the grass being cut down.

In front of the mower the golden, dusky pink and shades of green grass, dotted with bright white daises, swayed in the breeze. Behind the mower the grass was short, uniform and yellow.

It reminded me of a verse about the flesh. Here today, gone in an instant. All in God’s control.

And it turns out I wasn’t the only one to think about grass today.

Wise as Serpents

I love naked pictures of babies.

They are so cute with their rolls of chub, soft skin and the dimples. What is a more adorable picture then that of my son’s little behind as he stands holding unto the side of the bathtub looking eagerly in at the water as his bath is being prepared.

There is a certain innocence about babies in the buff.

And they love being naked.

It is so funny to see a little toddler running away from his mother who is trying to get his clothes back on him. Rejoicing in his nakedness, his laughter is contagious. His mother has to give up the chase and sit down so that she can breath through her laughter, and ruefully watch her child run around with glee in the sunshine.

But, I will never post any adorable photos of my baby's bare bottom.

There is no law that prevents me.

But prudence does.

This is a public blog.

I don't share my name, age or even my home town on this blog.

Wise as a serpent in these dark days (Matt 10:16).

Like Christ ye Mothers

After Moms ‘n Tots last Friday I spent the afternoon with another young first-time mother and we got on the topic of how easily young mums can read criticism in even the most innocent of remarks.

We had both found that we have had to work really hard not to take to heart what people says about our child or about us as a mother.

It has been quite a realization to both of us.

Before being mothers we had quite thick skins and were almost impervious to most things that people could say to us. Even today you can make a remark about our clothes, or the geeky things we say or do and we will laugh and make a joke of it...

..BUT you make one seemingly slighting remark about our baby and it elicits a completely different reaction. Watch out for Mama bear!

The same is true for how we look after our precious little gifts from God. It is such a huge responsibility to take care of a little person - looking after their physical bodies and molding their souls - so that if someone does say something that even vaguely implies that we are not doing a good enough job.. the defenses immediately go up!

The discussion left me with an even stronger resolve to bite my tongue before responding to a remark. Maybe asking a question to find out what the other person was really trying to say before immediately putting up the barb wire, setting out the guard dogs, and sending out the armored tanks.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt. Something I appreciate when it is given to me.

I know I have often put my foot into it, and have always been grateful when given a little bit of patience and a second chance to better explain myself.

..and what if it is a criticism?

What if someone does say something negative about my child or about how I am raising my child?

I know I am trying my hardest to be a good mother and I need to keep reminding myself that the other person is just trying to help me. By giving them an opportunity to speak I may become an even better mother, or, if the advice is something I don’t wish to follow, at least the experience will hopefully help me become a better disciple of Christ.

Christ was always a patient listener. He didn’t revile when he was reviled.

That night at Sister’s class we read these verses that tied in perfectly with the earlier discussion:

“For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
Likewise, ye wives..”

Isn’t that such a powerful passage?

But the key point for us women is the word “likewise.”

"Like Christ ye women.."

Like Christ had no guile in his mouth and did not revile - we should do likewise - especially if we are criticized (or at least we may feel criticized) while trying our best.

"Like Christ ye women.."

Who needs a Map??

I am one of those people blessed with a very good sense of direction.

If I know roughly where I am and roughly know the general area, I can usually work out where I want to go.

It usually involves a couple of u-turns and long-way-rounds because of dead-end streets, or roads that end up leading me the wrong way, but I usually find my way in the end.

I have become so confident and reliant on my ability that it surprises me when others don’t share my faith in my ability (like my brother's wife and my mother-in-law). They look at me dubiously as I stand confidently with arm outstretched and finger pointing: “There! That is where we want to go! Now we just need to find a way to get there...”
And even when we eventually do find our way, they are still left feeling skeptical and put it down to chance that I had found my way in the end.

When we were teenagers, my sister that is now in Ecuador and I used to go on many a road trip without a map (usually because we forgot to bring a map with us), and we always found our way.. eventually.

The times that I do get lost is usually when I am stressed out (because I am late!) or very tired. If am late for something or have a lot going on, I tend to second guess myself and usually get all mixed up, start crying and call someone on my cellphone to help me.

..and sometimes I get lost because my sense of direction was wrong. I didn’t actually know where I was or I didn’t actually know where I was going.

Instead of relying on my own sense of direction, wouldn’t it be so much easier with a map?

A map to tell me exactly where I am and where I am going.

If I used a map I wouldn’t have to learn the hard way where not to go. I would not waste my time (and other’s time too!) with going the wrong way or wondering around not quite sure where I am or which road to take.

Thank you God for giving us your word. A guide to how I should live my life and which shows me where exactly I should be heading.

I should never trust on my own instincts.

With God’s word constantly as my reference guide it makes my life so much simpler. I just need to make sure it is always with me and that I know how to use it.

"A man's heart deviseth his way: but YHWH directeth his steps.”
(Proverbs 16:9)

Life's Road

While driving my son to swimming lessons this morning, I realized how my perception of the section of road leaving the town in which I now live has changed over the years.

When I was a child and lived two hours south from the town in which I now live, I didn’t even notice this section at all. I was probably busy within the car with my stuffed animals, reading a book or squabbling with my siblings with an occasional glance out the window at the passing scenery.

When I grew older and drove this route with my sister and then by myself in order to visit my future husband I dimly started to notice this particular section of road. As part of a two hour road trip, this section was only note worthy as it was the point where I could speed back up to 70 miles per hour after driving 60 through town.

Now that I have lived in this town for almost a year I have become very familiar with that section of road. It has become a part of my everyday life.

Later, when we move away from this town, I will have fond memories of that section of road and won’t be able to pass it without a wistful smile.

Isn’t life like that?

When I was young I had a vague notion about being a mother. Not the real mother things but more the outer showings of a mother- cooking, cleaning, and looking after the physical needs of the children. I was too busy being a kid to give it too much deep thought.

When I grew older and worked in day care I started to put some more thought into how I would like to raise my own children (especially when I saw examples of how I didn’t want my children to behave!). My future husband and I also discussed how we would raise our children if God had that in store for us. I had many high expectations for myself and started to form an idealistic picture in my head of what type of mother I would like to be.

When I became a mother I started to realize that the section of life’s road wasn’t completely the way I had thought it was going to be like. I had either not known or not realized the importance of certain things about being a mother.

Some of it was good in that I was surprised at exactly how much a part of me my baby becomes. I was also amazed at how much I can love him, how much joy he can give me and how deeply he effects me. Another thing that I found out was how much a part of the unit that my husband and I had become he was able to so naturally become a part of too. The three of us feel like we have always been together.

But some of it was also negative with the loneliness, the uncertainties and the frustrations. I knew I would be lonely being an hour away from most of the people that I know, but I didn’t realize how lonely. I also didn’t truly appreciate how many uncertainties come with being a mother- should I do this for him? Is this the right decision? What if that happens? I also sometimes get so frustrated with my son and wonder how someone I love so much, can also make me so angry. So angry that I have to leave the room, do something else, and take a couple deep breaths before coming back. Being a mother is not all about cleaning, cooking and looking after the children. Most of it is in the head.

Now that he is eight months old I am finally starting to fully understand all the ins and outs of being a mother. This section of road is now becoming familiar to me.

I am very happy being a mother. I love being a mom to my little boy.

And I know, years from now, I will look back with a fond smile at this time with my little boy.

Waiting for His Return

My son adores his Daddy.

Yesterday, at the end of his lunch break at home, my husband prepared to leave. My son, who had been closely observing his father's every movement, indicated to me by raising his arms and wiggling his fingers that he wanted to walk. The moment I grasped his two hands he pulled himself up and walked as fast as his two little feet could go over to Daddy.

My son made a general nuisance of himself as my husband tried to put on his roller blades. He tried to bump heads with his father (something the two of them do as a sign of affection), grab at a strap on his father's rollerblades (but I didn’t want him to get too close to the wheels), snatch off my husband’s glasses, and try to get his Daddy to hold him.

But Daddy had to leave.

With my son being held back by his mother - his determined strides forward being restrained by the very hands that he held for support - my husband was finally ready to leave.

Daddy gave one last hug and kiss, rolled out the door and then shut the door behind him.

My son gave out a little heartrending cry.

He ran forward to the door and stared at it for a long moment. Maneuvered himself to where it opened and stared at it for another moment, hoping that Daddy would open it and come back in.

But nothing happened.

My son looked up at the doorknob and tried to reach for it. While holding unto one of my hands he let go the other and reached his arm up as high as he could -even going onto his tippytoes- but still could not reach the doorknob. He finally looked imploringly at his mother. “Let me out! Let me go to Daddy!”

I tried to distract him by walking him away from the door but each time he would determinedly turn back and walk up to the door and try reach for the door knob.

He wanted to be with his Daddy!

Eventually I managed to get him away from the door and have him start to play with his toys - but for a couple moments even after that he would look over his shoulder at the door. Waiting for his Daddy.

When Daddy came home at the end of the day- oh the excitement!! My son fairly wriggled with it! The joy! He grinned his biggest grin and when his Daddy scooped him up he gave his Daddy a big hug around the neck! “You are home!! I missed you Daddy!”

May we anticipate Christ’s return with as much joy and excitement!

Two Hundred Dollars

Our apartment's parking arrangement is nice in that there is no assigned parking and so we don’t have to worry about limited visitor parking. But the bad thing about the complex's parking arrangement is that we often have to park faaar away from our apartment (sometimes on the opposite side of the apartment complex from our apartment!).

We don’t mind the walking. In fact we prefer walking! I walk to the grocery stores to go shopping and my husband, if he is not walking, roller blades to work every day.

But, if we have a lot of things to unload, it is pouring with rain and it is getting late at night, the parking arrangement is a pain! (-at least in our arms and backs anyway)

Last night we got home in the evening, after baby’s bedtime. My husband was coming back from a weekend backpacking trip which involved roughly 20 miles of hiking and I had been up late every night hanging out with some of my girlfriends and family.

We were exhausted!

And the only free spot anywhere near our apartment was a handicapped only spot. We decided to use it just while we unloaded the vehicle, and then we would move the car to a different spot right away.

But we forgot to move the car.

The next morning we found a notification about a hefty fine under the windshield wipers.

A $200 dollar hefty fine.

I tried not to think about how many groceries that could buy.

Two-hundred dollars!

My first reaction was to try see if I can contact someone and justify myself- tell them the circumstances surrounding why we had parked there. We hadn’t meant to park there! I could tell them about my tired husband with knees so sore that he could hardly walk, about the tired baby who needed to go to bed, and all the luggage that needed to be unpacked. Have mercy on a poor tired mother!

My next thought was to try blame my husband. He had taken the last bits of luggage out of the car. He is the one that normally parks the car. He should have remembered. It was all his fault!

But, thankfully, I didn’t do either.

I didn’t call anyone to try justify myself and I didn’t rant at my husband for forgetting.
Neither reaction would have been what Christ would want from me.

We had broken the law and I was just as much in the wrong as my husband.

I just need to continue to tell that to myself every time I remember how big the fine was.

$200.

Ouch.

Lesson learned!

Petunia the Goose

I love reading childrens' books. The other day I was reading “Petunia” which is a story of a silly goose who picks up a book that was lying in the meadow and how the events that ensue changes her whole attitude.

The only thing she knew about books was what she had heard the farmer say about them: "He who owns Books and loves them is wise."

So, she thought that by simply carrying the book around with her all the time, that it not only made her more intelligent, but that it qualified her to give advice to her friends. BUT the advice she gave was not only incorrect but also hurtful.

But she did not realize this.

The more she carried the book the more proud she became, and the higher she would point her head until her neck became very long.

But her pride vanished literally with a big bang after she advised her barn yard friends (as she could not read the warning label) to eat dynamite. Her friends were left bruised and sore, and Petunia's neck returned to its normal length.

The explosion had also opened the book and she realized not only that there were pages with words inside but that she could not read them.

The book ends with her resolving to learn how to read and shows her studying a book about the alphabet.

When I finished reading the book I was left sitting in shock.

This childrens' book had made me realize a truth about myself.

It made me realize that I was very much like Petunia the goose.

I too thought that by being armed with a little knowledge (like Petunia knew that books make you intelligent) that I knew everything there is to know about babies.

I liked giving advice, and not only liked thinking that I was intelligent and knowledgeable but that others thought me intelligent and knowledgeable too.

And, like Petunia, it had made me proud.

Since that time I have been trying really hard (with some success) to not give advice when it is not sought. To not think that, because I don’t agree with what another mother is doing with her child, that it makes me any better of a mother.

And I can already see a difference.

Not only in my outlook but also in the mothers around me.

Who likes having a proud know-it-all goose around anyway?

Hopefully she has now been replaced by a humbly-supportive goose instead.

"But how can one be warm alone?"

Is there anything as sweet as a sleeping baby cuddled up against you?

With my husband gone on a backpacking trip, my little boy gets to sleep with me (with three in the bed it gets too crowded for me and my claustrophobia kicks in!).

But with the two of us it is so cozy. When he sleeps with me he always wants a hand or a foot on me for reassurance- “Mommy is still there!”- which probably comes from when he was younger (and smaller!) and used to sleep with us all the time and I would always keep a hand on him.

When we sleep together, falling asleep is never a problem as we cuddle together until we drift off in peaceful harmony.

His three o'clock feeding is just a continuation of the harmony as his gentle tugs on my shirt prompts me to roll over (without even properly waking up) and when he is finished he simply pulls away and falls back to sleep. So in tune with each other.

In the night if I wake up I listen to his breathing, tuck him in a little more, and relish the sweet moment of slumbering baby.

In the morning, my awakening is a little abrupt as my early-riser bats at me with his hands and pommels me with his feet with ever increasing vigor until I open an eye and then he gives me a radiant smile! “Ah ha! She is awake! Nope! Her eye is closed again- let me try again!” When I finally resign myself to my fate, he just wiggles with excitement! “Yes! I get to play with Mommy!” As I look into the two sparkling blue eyes and his toothy grin (with his tongue sticking out) I can't resist giving him a kiss on each plump cheek and a nibble under his chin in just the spot where he especially likes it.

It is such a precious time together. Mother and son so attuned to each other.

I miss my husband but also cherish these moments.

“Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?” (Ecclesiastes 4:11)

A Time to be Quiet

I think I must be a winter blogger.

Winter is the time to slow down and reflect. Spend time cozily indoors thinking about things and having the time to write those thoughts down.

The moment summer weather starts then it is a pity to be indoors quietly thinking, one needs to be outdoors- doing things and going places! Summer is the time for action! Go, go, GO!

But...

My baby is napping right now, so as I sit by the window looking out at the sunshine I have time to pause, reflect and type.

Later we will go swimming with some friends and walk to the park.

But right now is a good time to sip some tea, nibble on a cookie and take a few deep breaths. It is good to relax. Not to worry about the housework (it helps that I am not home at the moment), but just sit for a quiet moment.

There are a lot of thoughts in my head. Now is a good time to sort them out.

This is a good time just to be quiet.

Bumper Stickers

The other day, while driving to an appointment, I was at one of those traffic lights that take forever to change. So I had plenty of time to examine the back of the car in front of me and right away had a strong feeling that the occupant of that vehicle loved the university from which he/she had graduated.

From a large sticker on the back window, to a silver emblem on the trunk, to the license plate cover, to the bumper stickers (yes, plural- at least three) - this person left no doubt in ones mind about not only where he/she had graduated but that the university was part of his/her identity.

The type of car we choose often indicates what type of person we are, but the personalization of that car shows what one considers important in our lives. So important that one feels compelled to make a statement about it to the whole wide world (or at least to the cars that share the roads with you).

Political stickers, rude stickers, happy stickers, angry stickers, religious stickers, “I love my dog/my cat/my car/golf/cycling” stickers, “my kid is an honor student” stickers, baseball stickers, soccer stickers, football stickers. There are bumper stickers for everyone.

So if you are a British golfer, who likes to sail, owns a german shepherd and votes republican- you can let everyone who looks at your car know.

I have pet fish, but don’t feel compelled to tell the world that I love them.
I like to paint, but I don’t feel like it is an important part of my identity.
I think my kid is smart, but when he graduates from university at the age of 12, I won’t feel compelled to proclaim that on the back of my car (but that might change, as he is only 7 months old right now).

As I was sitting at that traffic light for what I was sure was almost half and hour (it has a vindictive sense of humor and always knows when I am running late), I thought about what I have on the back of my car.

I have a sticker that says “Christ is coming to reign on the earth, are you ready?” and one of those diamond shaped signs that say “Baby on board!”
They both serve as a reminder to be careful about my driving. The first one because it reminds me that I am a witness to my faith and the second because I have precious cargo on board.

But now following this train of thought about bumper stickers showing what I find important about my identity, I thought it was very revealing. Yes, my faith and my family are the two most important things in my life.

This thought suddenly put my life back into focus.

If my faith and my family are the two most important things in my life, do my thoughts, actions and decisions reflect that? In amongst the hussle and bussle of life other things had been crowding in.

Glancing at the rear-view mirror I could see a little chubby face staring back at me.

Thank you God for reminding me.

The light turned green and I started to drive, but now it wasn’t only my car that reflected what is important to me.

It changed my whole attitude that day.

God's Opinion

Even those of us (like me) who do not watch beauty pageants or read celebrity magazines could have missed the outrage about the controversial answer that Miss California gave at the Miss USA pageant this year.

If you were asked your opinion about gay marriage would you have said that you did not agree with it?

Would you say that in front of a crowd of people?

Would you have said that on national television?

Would you have said it even though it meant that, in one moment, it made void everything you had been working on for months (if not years)?

She did it without hesitation.

She said it with conviction.

I hope that I would have the strength to do the same!

Not to pass up any opportunity to preach God’s word and to firmly stand by his commands when questioned. To say firmly to the world: "This is God's opinion and it is mine too!"


God's opinion about homosexuality:
"For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due."
—Romans 1:26-27 (NKJV)

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God."
—1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (NKJV)

"Knowing this: that the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine,"
—1 Timothy 1:9-10 (NKJV)

Making gay marriage legal is the same as if the law openly endorsed murder, extortion or lying.

If one switched the words "gay marriage" for anything else that God hates, most people would not have a problem with it. There would be no controversy on such topics such as murder or extortion.

But God does not only hate homosexuality.

Gay marriage is not the only thing people take pride in while disobeying God. People can boast about how many people they had slept with, or how much money they had received from "working under the table."

Gay pride is an easy one to pick on because it is such an easy one to see.

But how many times in a day do we lie? Or get angry? Or gossip?

Any form of sin separates us from God.

Don't continue in it.

God does not want us to continue in sin but instead wants us to change our hearts so that grace may abound.

Hope

The mind is not only filled with black bags tied up with string, but also happy memories, peaceful thoughts, warm feelings and of course hope.
The reading of God’s word has never been so important as at the times when one does some deep self examination. It not only helps one be more thorough but also, at the end, gives one hope.
That black bag of sad thoughts is not the end. It is part of the process. It will always be there to serve as a reminder of the weakness of flesh. But it is not there to overwhelm me.
It is always good to think about our hope. Know that God has forgiven me. Know that the past is unchanged but that God has given me an opportunity to do better now.
Away with the self centered thoughts!
Forward march!

The Black Bag

For far too long I had a bag of unresolved emotional thoughts and feelings. It wasn’t a large backpack that the world could see but rather like a heavy, black draw-string bag in my head. A bag that I could ignore, and that no one else would notice. But it was still there.

And it effected how the rest of me functioned.

This week I have been working on it.

Not to get rid of it.

As most of it’s contents are the type that doesn’t go away.

But to deal with it.

Sort through it.
Kind of like I reached a hand inside of my head and brought that heavy bag out, untied the large knot, and then slowly opened it up -scared about what I would find inside- and then started to sift through its contents.

Of course I knew roughly what it contained.

I was the one who had stuffed everything in it.

Shoving as much as I could into it before quickly drawing it closed and tying the knot -all that time ago.

But because some of it I had tried so very hard to hide from even myself, I know that the bag may hold some nasty surprises.

There are a lot of ugly things in that bag.

Very ugly.

Truths about myself.

Truths about what I am really like.

Truths that because of what I did (because of who I am) has caused such horrible things to happen.

That is another ugly thing that is inside this bag:

Guilt.

It actually fills up a lot of the bag.

Horrible guilt of things I did but also of things that I didn’t do. Things I should have done.

As I sort through the bag I try to look at each object straight on. Staring at each facet of the objects so that I can do away with the lies.

So many lies.

The lies had for the longest time hidden some of the darker contents of the bag so that they looked prettier and much more acceptable (at least from a distance). But once you get up close to them and turn them over, the lies are not only very ugly but have a corrosive aspect to them.

Once I found them, their stench made me reel back from the bag, I didn’t want to deal with them. I had to put the bag down for a moment and gasp for some fresh air. But I went back with even stronger resolve. I was determined to go through that bag.

This bag has been sitting there for far too long.

There are still some dark corners of the bag that I haven’t gone through. In some ways I don’t think I am ready for it yet.

But now the bag doesn’t seem as scary to me now that I have opened it, looked inside and started to sort through it.

I was relieved to be able to throw some stuff out.

Some of it was difficult and very painful to pry loose and which I was eager to throw out once I had extracted it, but some I had to force myself to throw out as I knew that they didn't truly belong in the bag even though I wanted them to be there.

I was especially glad to get rid of some of the lies.

I still think there are some lies I didn't find, but I am glad that I did deal with the ones that I did find. Some of the ones that I did work through did leave some small messy residual aspects of themselves behind, but over time I am sure I can get rid of those as well.

By getting rid of some of the lies, it allowed me to have a better look at all the guilt. Some of them were a lot bigger and uglier than what I had anticipated, but at least I have a better idea of how they looked like.

It also forced me to look at myself with a little more honesty. So now I have some things I can work on even after I closed up the bag again.

It was a horrible task. But it was good that I did it.

Now the bag is a little bit lighter, and will hopefully be a little easier to open the next time I want to look inside.

And hopefully I am a better person for it.

A VERY Offensive Advertisement

I found this advertisement so offensive I HAD to share it.

It is kind of like when someone takes a bite of something, pulls a face and then tries to pass it to you with the words: “this is SO gross! Here try it!”

Is is SO offensive! - Here, look at it!

It showed up on my Facebook page as an ad on the side and I felt so strongly about this that I immediately clicked the button with the thumbs-down symbol, and when asked to give a reason why I felt this way I checked the box next to the word “offensive”.

Normally I just pass by the ads including the ones with the girls in their underwear or “R” rated movies- without even bothering to look at them twice.

But not this ad.

It is so offensive in just so many levels that I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way.

In fact I think the ONLY person who would NOT find this offensive is a chain-smoking agnostic without any children.

Lets pick on the smoking first..
Anyone with children would find this advertisement offensive on just that point.
My mother received this same ad as a flyer in her mail and now imagine that it wasn’t her who collected the mail but her imaginary eight-year-old daughter. The little girl would take one look at it and then go to her mother and ask “Mommy, why is the man dressed up as a bunny smoking a cigarette?”

Easter bunnies are not geared at adults. I have never seen a forty-year old woman become all excited when she sees the Easter bunny. Am I not right in assuming that any normal mother who is trying to teach her children not to smoke “death sticks” would find this offensive?

But I think the targeted audience, Christians, would find this ad extremely offensive.

At least I did.

And I don’t even celebrate Easter (which is a separate topic in itself).

The most offensive part of the whole ad for me is the last sentence:

If this is not blasphemy then what is??

And I am not even going to enter into the debate about how one should dress when coming before God.


First, it is the absolute arrogance of it.

The attitude of "don’t even bother to prepare yourself when you meet your God."


Then it is the second blasphemy of the idea of God meeting us at our level: “that’s WHERE God meets us.”

That is not what he does!

Psalms 24:3-6
“Who shall ascend into the hill of YHWH? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.”

God does not go down to our level. He does not need to change.

Instead, WE have to change and reach up to God!

We go to God! NOT the other way round!!

He does not meet us at our terms. But on HIS terms.

Ex 19:17
“Then Moses led the people OUT of the camp to meet with God, and they stood at the foot of the mountain.”

God wants all us sinners to come to him.
He wants us to repent.

The only reference I could find that said that God would meet sinful man is in the context of the people making burnt offerings:

Ex 29:42
"For the generations to come this burnt offering is to be made regularly at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting before the Lord. There I will meet you and speak to you;

This is the ONLY way God will meet us.

Ps 51:14-17
“Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise”

My Baby is Better Than Yours!

It started out when we were old enough to compare our piece of the chocolate cake to the one given to the child next to us, then it was your grade at school compared to another child’s grade, your art work compared to someone else’s, your body shape compared to someone else’s, your wedding compared to someone else’s and now (at least for me) it is my child compared to everyone else's.

I didn’t realize at first that it was what I was doing until I realized I was becoming dissatisfied with my own baby.

Why is he not as friendly as other babies? Why is he not sleeping/eating/sitting/growing as well as the other babies?

But then I realized that there was also the other side of it too.

Consoling myself with the thought that "at least my baby has a tooth", or thinking that "my baby may not make friends with everyone he meets, but at least he is smart" were not good thoughts either!

This attitude of comparison is not what God wants in us: “For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” (1 Cor. 10:12)

It is not wise to do it in our spiritual lives (except to compare ourselves to Christ!) and it is definitely not a good idea to do it about the things of this world!

Instead I should focus on how to raise my child in God’s way. Seeing only flaws in him as compared to scripture and reminding myself that I should praise and thank God for each good thing that I see in my little boy. From his little tooth, to his shy smile, to his dimpled fingers, thank you God for my little boy!

Sharing Thoughts

Pick carefully to whom we share our thoughts.
It is good to carefully choose those with whom we share our most personal thoughts.

Not only because of Delilahs who may use the information against us. (Judges 16)

Or because of talebearers who blab our thoughts to the world:
“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.” (Proverbs 11:13- KJV)
The NIV says it even more pointedly: “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.”

There are also many scriptural examples of being given bad advice by those with whom we share our problems:
“The righteous is a guide to his neighbor, But the way of the wicked leads them astray.” (Proverbs 12:26)
The best example of this is Amnon and his friend Jonadab. Jonadab was a good friend in that he noticed when Amnon was depressed, but he was not a person with whom you shared your secrets! He gave VERY bad advice!
“But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother; and Jonadab was a very shrewd man. He said to him, "O son of the king, why are you so depressed morning after morning? Will you not tell me?"
Then Amnon said to him, "I am in love with Tamar, the sister of my brother Absalom."
Jonadab then said to him, "Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill; when your father comes to see you, say to him, 'Please let my sister Tamar come and give me some food to eat, and let her prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat from her hand.' " (2 Samuel 13)
..as I said, very bad advice - but it was exactly what Amnon wanted to hear!
It is GOOD to share..
Once we have someone with whom we share our inner most thoughts we realize how good it is to get those thoughts out!

Sometimes our darkest and most disturbing thoughts can fester and grow in strange ways in our minds.

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” (James 5:16)

Sometimes once the thoughts are spoken one can look at them from a new perspective.

Christ was very good at not only listening to people but also putting a new perspective on what they were thinking.

By sharing our thoughts we may also find that we are not alone.

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1 Cor. 10:13)

The verse speaks of temptations but the same is true for trials, or problems. It is surprising sometimes to find out how many share the same feelings and thoughts.

But even if the people with whom we are sharing our thoughts have never had the same experiences or thoughts, they might just give much needed encouragement and support that we may not even realize that we needed. “And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.” (1 Sam 23:16)

It is humbling..
Sharing ones true thoughts can be very humbling. We may not want people to know exactly what is going on in our minds, or we may actually be proud of the fact that we are so different from others that “no one” will be able to understand (like Elijah felt in 1 Kings 19:9-18).

But it is important to let go and speak. For even though it is not good to share all our thoughts with everyone, it is also not good to keep them all inside our heads.