What Was My Motivation?

The heart is so deceitful!

I recently had to make a very difficult moral decision that even now I don’t feel completely at ease within me on with what I finally ended up doing.

It is so difficult to look at a moral issue objectively when it is not as clearly defined as one would wish it to be.

The subtle layers of an issue can make it hard to come to the very core of why it is wrong, or even if it is wrong at all.

Then when one identifies that yes, it is wrong and why it is wrong, then comes the tough decision of what to do about it.

Is it something worth making a stand about? Is it something worth offending someone about?

In the end I decided that yes, it was something I had to make a stand about. My conscience didn’t feel comfortable with participating and making myself a part of what I thought was wrong.

But then, I found myself searching and questioning my true motives.

Was it really because of my high and lofty morals that I was inspired to make my decision.. or was it my wily and evil little heart that had tricked me into thinking I had, when in fact I had been lured by other reasons? The hateful flesh tricking me into believing that I had made the choice out of a pure intentions when in fact it was pride that had been the true motivation.

I hope not.

I really and truly hope not.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

It has been very frustrating planning everything that I'd like to do in a day.. and then be too sick to do even half of the list!

I try to focus on what I was able to accomplish and try not to worry about the cluttered dining room table or the tissues shredded over the floor by my curious little monkey.

But it is still difficult.

Have to keep on counting my blessings. We are all healthy, live in a wonderful house (just turn a blind eye to all that still has to be done!), and we are part of a warm and loving group of people who love and serve God.

What is a little bit of mess in the light of all those great blessings?

Finding Peace in a New Home

Besides the morning sickness and looking after my son and husband, we have also moved from an apartment in town to a house in the country.

I enjoy the solitude and silence. My home is now a haven from the outside world. I don’t hear the noisy trains, the neighbor’s television, or the industrial site that was behind our apartment. Instead I now only hear the horses, the cows, and the birds.

I was never unhappy in our cozy little apartment, but I can now not understand how I was at peace with so much noise.

We are renting the house and I know that we will probably not live here longer than two years, yet I have already grown to love our home- even though it is temporary.

We are sojourners in more than one sense. There will soon be a time when we will be called before our Judge and will then find our permanent home- in his kingdom here on earth. Then we will look back at our time now and be so relieved that it is now the past.

The contentment we will find then will far surpass the peace I have found in this little house in the country.

Morning Sickness

I have had so many blogs in my head as I was lying on the floor trying to avoid yet another mad dash to the nearest drain.. but found myself too sick to try put those thoughts down into coherently typed out words.

Now that I am feeling better hopefully my blogging will pick up! :)