Life's Road

While driving my son to swimming lessons this morning, I realized how my perception of the section of road leaving the town in which I now live has changed over the years.

When I was a child and lived two hours south from the town in which I now live, I didn’t even notice this section at all. I was probably busy within the car with my stuffed animals, reading a book or squabbling with my siblings with an occasional glance out the window at the passing scenery.

When I grew older and drove this route with my sister and then by myself in order to visit my future husband I dimly started to notice this particular section of road. As part of a two hour road trip, this section was only note worthy as it was the point where I could speed back up to 70 miles per hour after driving 60 through town.

Now that I have lived in this town for almost a year I have become very familiar with that section of road. It has become a part of my everyday life.

Later, when we move away from this town, I will have fond memories of that section of road and won’t be able to pass it without a wistful smile.

Isn’t life like that?

When I was young I had a vague notion about being a mother. Not the real mother things but more the outer showings of a mother- cooking, cleaning, and looking after the physical needs of the children. I was too busy being a kid to give it too much deep thought.

When I grew older and worked in day care I started to put some more thought into how I would like to raise my own children (especially when I saw examples of how I didn’t want my children to behave!). My future husband and I also discussed how we would raise our children if God had that in store for us. I had many high expectations for myself and started to form an idealistic picture in my head of what type of mother I would like to be.

When I became a mother I started to realize that the section of life’s road wasn’t completely the way I had thought it was going to be like. I had either not known or not realized the importance of certain things about being a mother.

Some of it was good in that I was surprised at exactly how much a part of me my baby becomes. I was also amazed at how much I can love him, how much joy he can give me and how deeply he effects me. Another thing that I found out was how much a part of the unit that my husband and I had become he was able to so naturally become a part of too. The three of us feel like we have always been together.

But some of it was also negative with the loneliness, the uncertainties and the frustrations. I knew I would be lonely being an hour away from most of the people that I know, but I didn’t realize how lonely. I also didn’t truly appreciate how many uncertainties come with being a mother- should I do this for him? Is this the right decision? What if that happens? I also sometimes get so frustrated with my son and wonder how someone I love so much, can also make me so angry. So angry that I have to leave the room, do something else, and take a couple deep breaths before coming back. Being a mother is not all about cleaning, cooking and looking after the children. Most of it is in the head.

Now that he is eight months old I am finally starting to fully understand all the ins and outs of being a mother. This section of road is now becoming familiar to me.

I am very happy being a mother. I love being a mom to my little boy.

And I know, years from now, I will look back with a fond smile at this time with my little boy.