Trying and Failing 16 Times

I am currently reading a series of books written about two jewish boys growing up in New York shortly after the second world war.

The book has a ring of authenticity to it that only someone who had experienced the trials the boys went through (or at least something very similar) could have written with such insight.

The other day at the doctor’s office the nurse asked me how long we had tried before I got pregnant with my son. Even though I could tell her exactly how long we had tried I gave her the general time frame of a year. Oh, only a year she replied.

I felt a little spark of something akin to anger. Well it was actually longer than a year. More like 16 months. I didn’t say this out-loud but I thought it in my head. And I knew that she had never tried to have a child.

Never tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed.. 16 times.

Never endured the false hopes. The joyous expectations when all the signs seemed to point to finally being successful! This time I was most certainly pregnant! ..to be cruelly crushed when the first pangs of menstruation began.

I had wanted a child for so long. But in the first year of marriage my husband became very sick. So sick he barely made it through. Then it took a long time for him to heal.. and now, now finally we could think about having children. But none came. And none came. And none came.

And then we had ourselves tested and I found out it was my fault. There was something wrong with me. That is why I could not have children. It was my fault. It was almost easier before when I thought that maybe the illness had effected my husband.. but now I knew. It was me.

Many people have had it a lot worse off than I have. A lot worse.

But only those who have gone through it can have any idea how it is really like.

Now I can truly empathize with people like Abraham’s wife Sarah. So many years of her hopes being raised and crushed each month.. until she became beyond childbearing age.

With that perspective then yes, trying and failing 16 times seems like nothing compared to her something like 300 times of trying. Imagine trying anything 300 times only to fail 300 times. Even my mind can not comprehend how she must have felt. Knowing that it was her body that was faulty. That is was because of her that her husband didn’t have a son and heir. That it was because of her that she didn’t have a baby to hold and to love and to cherish. But she knew that God was in control. He opens and closes the womb.

And finally he opened Sarah’s.

And now, after having my son, a year goes by so quickly! Each month slips by like pearls off a necklace.. so fast that I feel like I only get a fleeting glimpse before it is gone.

We are trying again for another baby.. so time slows down for 15 days out of the month. But I try not to think about it too much. We have tried and failed already a number of times this time round. But I keep my trust in my God. If he wants a sibling for my son he will give it. The Lord gives and he takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

So yes, it was only a year, but don’t underestimate someone’s trial, unless you have gone through a similar experience.